Ferberizing Frazier: A Bedtime Story

...or The Tale of a Human Pacifier.

Once upon a time, I was adamant about not having Frazier in our bed solely for safety purposes. I always nursed him in the glider, then when he was good and asleep I transferred him to his bed and he was an amazing sleeper from day 1. For the first few weeks I woke him up to feed him every few hours, but by six weeks I let him go six hours or longer at night and by three months he was sleeping 10 hours at least. It was a beautiful system.

Somewhere around month four I felt comfortable enough nursing him in the side-lying position that I employed it often. It was a nice break for me...especially at bedtime. But still, as soon as he was asleep I'd move him to his own bed. And, while this may have been my first mistake, even this variation of the old system still worked like a charm (at first). And that cuddle time during his last feeding at night was one of my favorite times of day.

Then came Christmas... and the sickness. The first night he was sick he cried every time I put him in his bed, no matter how long he'd been asleep next to me before I moved him. This was unprecedented and I was at a complete loss as to how to address it. After three hours of nursing him back to sleep and trying to move him then repeating the whole thing over again I finally gave in. I nursed him to sleep, then hedged him in with pillows on my side of the bed, pulled the covers to the end of the bed and slept there. For three more nights the same thing happened, but I gave in quicker each night. After a week of sleeping at the end of the bed (or not sleeping, rather) I decided something had to be done.

So I researched getting your kid to sleep and it seemed I had to join one of two camps...that of Dr. Ferber or that of Dr. Sears. Let him cry himself to sleep or embrace the family bed. While most of my parenting had followed (and continues to follow) Dr. Sears and his attachment parenting approach, the family bed wasn't something I felt was healthy...for all relationships concerned.

After I nursed him to sleep one night, I put him in his bed and let him cry. But it only lasted a few minutes because he was still congested and sounded terrible sputtering and sniffling and coughing. Naturally, I gave in again...and again...and again...

Until...yada, yada, yada...I became a human pacifier.

It got so bad that he wouldn't sleep without me even for a nap. It probably didn't help that this coincided with his six month growth spurt, during which he nursed constantly and wouldn't sleep without doing so at night or for naps. He slept next to me all night every night...and I let him because I didn't know what else to do.

Neither of us slept well...but at least we slept. He woke up every few hours and had to be nursed back to sleep. I didn't move between feedings for fear of hurting or smothering him...though the kid's huge, I probably needn't have worried...plus I kept him free of my pillows and the covers (which meant sometimes I had to dress extra warm since I couldn't pull up the covers). I'd wake up all stiff, my shoulder and hip throbbing. I had tension headaches from staying in one position for so long. And as you can imagine...my nipples were way overworked. {insert my last bout with mastitis here}

At long last I took charge...once more. I pitched a proverbial tent and camped with Dr. Ferber. This was a big step for me, but I'd been doing the Sears method and it no longer worked for us (sleep wise). It actually kind of backfired. ( I think it prudent to note that I wouldn't have employed the Ferber method were Frazier not at least 6 months old and completely well by this time.)

The first night we actually followed through (sort of) it was a two and half hour ordeal. I nursed him, read a couple of books to him, then put him in his crib with his lovey and left. And he screamed. Five minutes later (because I couldn't make it the full ten) I went back in and tried to read to him again without picking him up. Fail. I sang, I turned on his music player and his Twilight Turtle. I sat and stroked his head. Crying continued, but he finally he fell asleep. And I felt relief. After all that, though, he woke up fifteen minutes later and I was too tired and emotionally drained to go any further that night. So he slept the rest of the night with me.

Undeterred, we tried again the next night and he actually fell right to sleep...without crying at all. It was like magic. Now the next night it took an hour and half of crying ...but it wasn't quite the same screaming crying that we'd experienced before. I checked on him every ten-fifteen minutes, stroked his head and talked or sang to him, but didn't pick him up...and that wasn't easy.

Yada yada yada again...two weeks later, I'm still a bit of a pacifier...and I'm okay with that role. But at night, I don't nurse him to sleep anymore. I try not to let him nap after 3 in the afternoon. We play with him a lot in the evenings to wear him out. I nurse him sitting in a chair after bathtime and then put him to bed with his Twilight Turtle on and his duckie-blankie-lovey and his Goodnight Moon board book. Sometimes he goes right to sleep without fussing at all, and sometimes he fusses for as long as 15-20 minutes, but he always falls asleep and he almost always sleeps all night. Sometimes as much as his former 10-12 hours!

Sure there were times I sat in the living room and cried along with him, and times Josh had to practically hold me down to keep me from going in and getting him. There were times I was sure it couldn't be done, or that we were cruel, or that he was going to feel insecure for the rest of his life because we failed to respond to his cries. There are still times that he wakes up really early in the morning and I put him in bed with me. But in the end I just thought I'd report that Dr. Ferber's method was worth it. There are once again times when he's asleep that I don't have to be nursing or right next to him. We all sleep better. I'm a happier, more rested, less stressed mommy, and he's getting a good uninterrupted night's sleep.

So just for the record (and any fellow human pacifiers out there), ferberizing Frazier, as opposed to it as I originally was, wasn't really as traumatic for all of us as I'd anticipated. I think we're all better for it. And I know my nipples are. ;)