Hello, I'm Randi...

...and I'm a germophobe.

I've always had something of an issue with hand-washing.

I used to wash my hands so often they would literally bleed. The skin on the top of them would crack and ooze bood. Which made me want to wash them more. And I couldn't use lotion (still can't- I don't mind lotion on the rest of me, but I have to wash my hands as soon as I'm finished applying it) because it made/makes them feel oily...and instigates yet another hand washing so it was (and remains) counter-productive. The widespread use and availability of hand sanitizer got me through school. Though I became pretty well adept at stealing away and coming up with excuses to wash my hands often.

There was a brief time somewhere between mid-college and now where I mellowed out a little with the whole hand-washing thing and it was a relief, really. While I still carried hand sanitizer and wet ones everywhere, I didn't have to wash my hands every time I touched Gatsby, I could live with a little paint on my hands if I was working, I could even make a whole Wal-Mart trip without disinfecting the cart handle and not even wash my hands until I got home. And home is another story all of its own. While I still Lysol all the door handles, light switches, remote controls, cabinet knobs, toilet flushers, and keyboards in the house weekly and before and after we have company I've never been excessive about cleaning the house. Thankfully.

I said all that to say that having a baby has caused a relapse of sorts. I'm still not disinfecting the handle of my shopping cart (unless they have those wipe dispensers right as you walk in specifically for that purpose in which case...well, I do). But I do wash my hands...all the time. I also feel like my house is dirty...all the time. I keep the sink scrubbed out, I wash laundry every day, I empty the trash cans compulsively. I don't even touch Gatsby much. And he spends a lot more time outside than he did before. I'm just afraid I'll touch him and then forget to wash my hands. And the thought of dog germs on the baby makes me feel like I'm going to explode. So, I wash my hands (sometimes up to the elbow like I'm scrubbing for surgery) every time I even think about it...and sometimes just because I pass the sink. We've actually gone through several bottles of handsoap already (and the baby's just 2 months old!) I also want everyone else to as well and get extremely anxious when they don't. Josh is getting better...but I never feel like he's washed his hands enough. Nothing is ever clean enough and it's stressful to say the least.

Strangely enough I don't feel that Frazier is ever really dirty...yet. I'm always cleaning his head and face and hands (places people touch) but as for actually bathing him...not a compulsion. Lucky for him. And baby spit up and slobber and even poopie? Not so much a problem...though I do keep hand sanitizer at every changing station and in his diaper bag. And I'll admit sometimes after diaper changes I strap him to the changing table so I can run to the bathroom and wash my hands.

I realize most of my germaphobia is completely irrational and even if all I did was clean I couldn't completely rid even my little corner of the world of bacteria. I function fine, really, (I know I sound like a nut) but I do find it to be a constant battle to tame the thoughts I have about all the germs EVERYWHERE. It puts me on edge a lot. Especially when we take Frazier out of the house. I've been living in a world full of germs my whole life though...and I can deal with it. I'm not debilitatingly OCD. Thank God.

I've been thinking about this because I went out to a couple of places including the mall today (Josh spent the whole day with Frazier so I could have a day out- which was really, really nice). But I almost had a mini-meltdown because of all the people who were there...it being Saturday and all. I kept thinking about all their germs I might be picking up...or inhaling. What kind of terrible germs or worse...illness...was I collecting and bringing home to my baby? I got super paranoid. I even caught myself holding my breath. All I had to do was return a couple of things and I wanted to do a little shopping, but once out, I just wanted to go home every time I stepped into some store. As a matter of fact, the only place I wanted to go in the mall (other than Dillards where I had a return) was Bath and Body Works (because my Aunt Melody sent me a gift certificate for my birthday and I've really been looking forward to using it!) but by the time I got there I had to wash my hands immediately (thank God they have a sink in there!) and then all I left with was a big bottle (on sale 50% off) of antibacterial hand soap and a mini foaming hand sanitizer. Fortunately those two things only used up a fourth of my gift card...so I can go back...for bubble bath or something. :)

Why did I just go on and on about germs you may ask? I don't know. I just wanted to share. So if you're a fellow germaphobe you'll know you aren't alone. And so if you're ever around my baby and I freak out because you haven't washed your hands or if you wonder why I'm always washing mine...now you know.

And now, since I know you don't really come here to read my ramblings...here are some pictures to make your visit worthwhile. :) Thanks for stopping by. Happy (clean) Saturday!