"Like the end of something wonderful sometimes..."

*That title is a lyric from a song called "I Am Good-bye" by Bonnie "Prince" Billy which I was going to have playing on the blog for today, but I can't find it on playlist.com and I'm too lazy to figure out how else to post music...so you'll have to look it up on your own if you want. Good song.

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While yesterday I was still hopeful I would have the baby without help, I woke decidedly more resigned today to the fact that we'll have to induce tomorrow and have been trying since the wee hours of the morning to come to a peace about it. This just wasn't exactly how I expected things to go...and I haven't liked the decision making that has gone along with the thwarting of my plans. We talked seriously last night about pushing the induction to Tuesday which is the absolute latest my doctor will let us wait, but decided against it. And not because I just don't want to be pregnant anymore. I'd gladly be pregnant another month if I thought it was the best thing for both of us. I hope I've made the right decision with tomorrow. Perhaps I've already waited too long and he's too large and I've missed my chance at a vaginal delivery. Whereas if I'd chosen to induce on the 8th, which my doc was perfectly willing to do, there would have been no complications. Or maybe if I'd just had until this Friday he'd have been born on his own and the labor experience would have been just as I'd hoped. I'll be glad when it's over- however it goes. I'd planned to spend today doing some household chores in quiet contemplation. However, that plan, too, was thwarted by yet another blow about the whole name thing...which I know I said I wasn't going to say anything else about. But I really must mention that today- the day before the baby will be born- when we've already decided on his name, Josh was asked about it. And when he answered (without even asking for an opinion) he got comments like "He's not even here and you hate him already?" "You want him to get beaten up on the playground?" "I'll be honest, I don't care for it." Where, I ask you, is this appropriate behavior for adults? These would be inappropriate, scold worthy comments from my child...by any name. Now you know what kind of hurtful people we've had to deal with, lest anyone still think I'm overreacting. Therefore, instead of spending a relaxing morning before the birth of my child in quiet, peaceful contemplation I spent 2 hours and 40 minutes on the phone crying to my mom...afraid I was making a mistake in naming my baby. WE'RE NAMING HIM FRAZIER- my maiden name! Is that really so bad? And even if we were naming him Feather- how dare people be so cruel?

I am feeling better now, though I will always be flabbergasted at how uncouth some people are. And now I have a little list of home stuff I want to get done before Josh gets home and after I post this I'll get started. It's been sort of quiet here lately. Not really somber, just thoughtful. We went out to dinner last night because it seems we were both thinking about how little time was left just we two...or three if you count Gatsby...though he didn't get to go to dinner. ;) Of course, we didn't expect to have even this much time...but having a concrete end in sight seemed to make a difference. It has been something wonderful, all these years we've been together- 9 altogether...five dating, four married. And change is hard, even change for good. So while we rejoice in the coming of the baby, it's hard not to do some mourning for this happy little life we're leaving behind. I will admit that it does feel like the end of something wonderful sometimes, but presumably, it's the beginning of something better! :) As we were walking last night (yet another 3 mile trek that did nothing but leave us very tired and sweaty) we talked about how we expected we'd react to actually having the baby. It's hard to love someone you've never met. You can really only love the potential or the idea of them. I share these feelings here not because we aren't completely sure we'll love him (because of that there's no doubt), but because I figure this unsure-of-yourself-as-a parent-feeling is probably very common...just not often talked about because no one wants anyone else to think they aren't reacting appropriately. Or perhaps it's because we've been surrounded by so many overzealous new parents lately that we feel we're reacting inadequately by feeling apprehensive. I suppose it could be that we just approach everything so realistically and practically that we rarely, if ever, get giddy. "Maybe it happens when you see them," Josh postulates as we walk "Maybe when you hold them the first time, pixie dust falls on you from heaven and then you feel like you're 'supposed to'." This theory made me smile. So while I'm not sure what to expect tomorrow (though I've been doing in-depth research on inductions just to be as educated as possible) I'm praying it all goes well, then leaving it up to God. And I'm hoping for some pixie dust. :)